I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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