I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
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He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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