when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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