They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
