Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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