I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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