I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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