Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
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I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
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Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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