I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
