I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
