well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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