I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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