My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
