Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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