I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
