I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Pants are for mortals
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
