She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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