You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
