I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
the liver wants what the liver wants
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
