I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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