Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
