The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
