if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
