so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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