I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
