i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
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I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
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I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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