Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
