So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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