Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
