forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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