The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Randomize
