I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
