I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
