Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
