I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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