There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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