Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
