I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
