We named our party play list daddy issues
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
