i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
