between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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