home. puking in laundry basket.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
