I accidentally had phone sex last night
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
