Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
