you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
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What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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