what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am midnight drunk by noon
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
