she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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