After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
