My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i think my cat just said my name.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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