I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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