you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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