I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
