I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
