I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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